You may have heard of the story of the mother and daughter who say to one another, “I love you and I wish you enough.” Their parting words are meant to tell the other person to have a life filled with enough good things to sustain them. I love this.
I feel like I have enough on Day 139. I have all I need to live fully in this life now. Living alcohol-free is the major contributor to this sense of purpose and peace.
What???? How is that possible after the last ten days of craziness in my life?
I kid you not, last week, I hit a new low with worry about my son who struggles. I cried giant, distressful soul-jerking tears. I experienced deep sorrow and pain about how he is choosing to conduct his life. In knee-jerk fashion, I tried running to those familiar outposts of hope and fear. But this time, something is different. I’m living without the numbing agent of alcohol. My thinking is sharper, less clouded. My emotions are more in line with what I honestly can and can not do. My nightly drinking is no longer leaving me standing on the slippery slope of the cliff. I’m anchoring myself to the edge of the cliff so I can offer up strength, compassion, and love. My son needs me to remain firmly planted there. More importantly, I need it to be for me. It is the way it is.
Juxtapose to this week; I’m experiencing new natural highs.
Because I have removed alcohol from my life, I’m benefiting from an emerging, natural flow to my life that is no longer governed by shame, guilt and lack of remembrance. I don’t have to pretend to be living my life any longer because I’m present for it. I’ve stopped tapping out when I decide it’s unpalatable.
And here is what I’ve learned:
Life is made up of tiny bittersweet moments. These moments are both happy and sad. Life is this beautiful amalgam of both, and to me, this is now coming through to me like magic. I’m appreciating the symbiotic aspects of being a human being. It’s revelatory — small reminders of just how precious this life is and how we need to be awake and witness it in full.
So wait, why am I experiencing new highs? Well, in practical terms, I’m choosing to put myself back out into the social world without drinking. And while I still have the same social anxiety, my uncomfortable feelings ease as I learn and practice new ways of experiencing the world. I listen more fully. I’m more engaged in all activities since I’m not jonesing for my next drink. I hear and see and taste and enjoy the simpler things. I’m myself. And I’m finding out it’s enough. More than enough.
I love you, and I wish you enough,
A little levity to balance this post out.
What’s the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? The outlaw is wanted.
I love my mother-in-law.