Trauma, Facebook and a Key

***Traumas. Wounds. Mishaps. Poor decisions. More Traumas. Disassociations. Disconnections. Fear. Loathing. Anger. Sadness. Deep depression.***

My first 22 years felt like a revolving door of all of these emotions swirling overhead and chasing me in circles. It was a dark time, the beginning of my life. I don’t have many good memories except some fond moments from my early childhood with grandparents, aunts, and an uncle.

It was a load to carry. I was the youngest of three kids in a household set ablaze many evenings by alcohol-fueled fighting between my parents. It was chaos, violent. It was unpredictable. It hurt me to my very core because I was alone, desperate to drown out the noise, the pain, the fear. Most of those evenings ended when I was able to bury my small brown haired head under a mountain of stuffed animals, plug my ears, rock my body in an attempt to soothe and cry until I fell asleep. It was a horrible feeling and extremely Traumatic. I’ve spent much of my life either numbing or trying to unearth the trapped nodules of pain deep in my core so I can heal once and for all. Thankfully, today, I’m working on the latter.

I came from an “upstanding” family. The family name was attached to political office and businesses which at the time felt like a version of “golden” handcuffs — substitute wrong “job” with “family.” I couldn’t reveal to a soul what was going on inside my home. As a vulnerable and shy 10-year old, I was very lonely, scared and had developed some deep disassociations. There was a foreboding that lodged in my mental and physical states. I would describe the feeling as grey, damp, heavy, shaming. It was f*cking awful. I suspect I’ll forever have PTSD to some degree. And I associate the horrible dysfunction going on in my life at that time with high school. My friends at that time had no idea what was going on with me. I never confided in them. My mental state was pretty dark at the time, and I didn’t dare try to share. I remember being extremely mad at my friends for not recognizing I wasn’t ok and helping me.

I think that’s about all I can bare this morning so more to my basic discovery on Day 114…

I’m very proud of my resiliency and ability to recreate a life that I love and where I, most of the time, feel no shame…untilI open flipping FB! The power of social media floors me! Not always, but often, I’m faced with the disconnect. For a long while, I thought I could put up with the odd pang. Lately, it just brings back too many bad memories. I know this is why I drank. And this is what is hard about social networks. There are many parts I enjoy, but it’s at a cost. Too high a price I’m beginning to think. And how silly. Why don’t I just sign off? I hold the key. But is that just running from my pain instead of realizing I have more work to do? Can I ever truly overcome the heaviness of my childhood? I’d prefer to let it rest and live in the present.

I wonder what it is like for others? Do you feel this way too?

Love, Diana

 

8 COMMENTS

  1. Sue | 14th Nov 17

    Thank you for sharing Diana. Childhood trauma is a bitch to deal with, for sure. I hope you are able to make peace with it and free yourself from the dark grips it has on life. Love that little girl with all your heart. She deserves you❤️

    • Diana at Living an Alcohol Free Life | 15th Nov 17

      Thank you Sue. She is getting lots of love, compassion, and forgiveness. It really does help to just let it out in the world. Amazed by the many “me toos.” Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

  2. Renee | 11th Nov 17

    Diana, I can relate as I came from a very dysfunctional family as well. My mother was an alcoholic and my dad wasn’t home a lot (which was a good thing as he was a very angry, anti-social person). I was the 4th of 5 children and my grandparents often stepped in when they could. I am a survivor! I try and look at my childhood trauma as making me a stronger person…. most of the time. As I get older soon to be 61… I look back and I am amazed I have accomplished as much as I have as it was so crazy especially since most of my friends had no idea how bad things were. I know that FB is only a tiny part of our experience and people only post the most glamorous aspects of their lives so take it with a grain of salt!

    You are on a great journey now! Focus on the positive and take social media in very small doses!

    My best!,

    Renee

    • Diana at Living an Alcohol Free Life | 12th Nov 17

      Renee, so appreciate your comment. I agree that we have to look at our lives as the necessary unfolding for who we are today. I mostly lived this way until I quit drinking. The adage “the issues are in your tissues” feels spot on as I detox and clarify. My social media break is giving me the space I need to come back stronger than ever before. And writing this blog, connecting with you, participating in my private recovery groups are surrounding me with tools and more importantly, a community of people who are generous, brave and making a difference. I’m happy you’ve found your peace in this world Renee. Many many thanks. Diana

  3. Untipsyteacher | 9th Nov 17

    Hi Diana,
    I am sorry you had that hard childhood.
    Social media is hard for me, too, but for different reasons. It makes me feel connected and at the same time, left out. It’s tricky. All I need to see is one photo of people together to make me feel bad.
    Some people take a week off from SM.
    I have read that is a good thing to do. I have never tried, although I tend to check FB less these days.
    You need to be very proud of yourself for taking these actions of love for yourself!
    xo
    Wendy

    • Diana at Living an Alcohol Free Life | 9th Nov 17

      Thanks Wendy. I think a SM vacation is probably just the right thing to do. I can still use my Living Alcohol-Free accounts. Much love, Diana

      • Monica | 10th Nov 17

        you are beautiful and I cherish your story and hold it sacred.

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