Day 97: Sliver

I’m waking with just a sliver of awareness that this journey I’m on extends far beyond living an alcohol-free life. Because the effort surrounding losing the booze requires a quiet, reflective, active self-care routine, it makes perfect sense that once I’ve made some of those efforts more of a habit, the more profound underlying causes of “dis-ease” begin to surface. That’s what nearing 100 days AF feels like this morning. Part of me wants to run — and fast! And the rest of me knows I must go further to understand how a sensitive, people-pleasing gal like myself turns this around. I’ve spent my life trying to make peace. It started as a young girl in a volatile household and continues to this day – maybe with a bit more polish -but the exhaustion of showing up in this way every day remains. I’m quite sure wine was the ticket for softening my perception and providing me a tool to deal with it. That masking has gone on for years. Now it appears, I’m going to have to dive in. In many ways, I don’t want to. But then again, I kinda do.

So today I’m implementing some new morning habits that will counter my true morning addictions — checking my phone for emails, texts and FB posts that provide dopamine hits. Those old dependencies will shift to gulping copious amounts of coffee.{{{sigh}}}

And these new habits will build around managing the inputs of life. And making sure I have time to steady my state every morning, in a way that provides me cushion and clarity to all that is going on around me. Meditation is on the list, as is not looking at my email, FB or the news until 9 a.m., only diving into emails and posts for a set amount of time, exercising, reading and attending to my daily tasks with a sense of calm and acceptance. Boundaries are on the list as well.

Beyond making better morning habits, I’m going to settle myself down around making career choices for a good long while. I’ve not formally worked for 18 months. I still have two teens to raise, and a lovely home life to maintain. It’s enough. I’m enough. Why I fight this, I do not know. And this is what I want to understand better. I think this feeling of never “enough” is a societal ill. And just thinking that usually prompts me into action to find some solution for the greater good {{{please…}}}. Here is the kicker, I’ve come to realize. I haven’t solved this for myself. I have no insight or remedy here.

There is my little sliver of an offering to myself today.

Love, Diana

 

 

2 COMMENTS

  1. Untipsyteacher | 28th Oct 17

    Love!!
    You are enough!
    Self-care, self-compassion, and kindness are so important to recovery.
    xoxo
    Wendy

Leave A Comment

Leave a Reply