Day 58: Feeling Chill

Nothing to report which is a lot! Right? The drama of wearing the roller skates has subsided. I no longer rush from one task to another. In fact, there are no tasks. Gone are my long lists with the perfect little squares drawn beside each so I could check them off. I’m taking this BE STILL concept perhaps a little far. But I’ve decided that being alcohol-free is that important. I also happily learned that there will be no box to check for “early sobriety” until around the one year mark. ONE YEAR to BE STILL! Woo hoo. I was so relieved when I learned this. I’m so used to rushing through my life with efficiency (a quality that lacked, well, quality.)

My 18-year old son said it best last weekend. “Mom, you’re so chill!”. I did feel ‘chill.’ He was up to his teenage antics, and my response was not a reactive “why did you f*cking do that!” but an “Ok. You made a mistake. Learn and move on.”

I had become “the scream” in recent years. I was so overwhelmed by the life I was mindlessly leading topped up with a healthy dose of white wine each evening. By morning, with my gut wrenching, my head pounding, and on little quality sleep, I had very little patience with my boys. I’m so sorry I was caught in this loop for some years. I promised myself I would attend to my kid’s needs far better than my parents had done. They disappeared by eighth grade. Perhaps a blessing. At least the yelling stopped. My efforts might have only doubled-down on the dysfunction.

So this morning, as I reflect on nearly two months of AF living, I’m surprised by how quickly much of my torment in life has lifted and been replaced with serenity. And while removing the alcohol is one thing, it’s practicing recovery that’s making all the difference this time around. The two most vital recovery tools are:

  1. Hiring my sober coach. I’m accountable to her in some way every single day. She’s gone through this so she can cheer me on and commiserate with me.
  2. Finding a community to share and compare stories. For me, my community is online. For others, it’s in the rooms. Doesn’t matter. Find a community and show up every day.

I leave to meet some of my new online friends for the weekend. We will hug, hike, share, laugh, eat a lot of good food and drink loads of tea. I am so excited to meet so many wonderful new people. It’s cliche, but it is a gift, this decision to go AF. I hope if anyone is reading this, you’ll join me and let me know you’re here.

Diana

2 COMMENTS

  1. Untipsyteacher | 14th Sep 17

    Being less reactive is so true! It’s made life so much calmer!
    Happy 58 Cill Days!
    xo
    Wendy

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